Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
