two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
