hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
