what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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