Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
