saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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