i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
