How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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