I want to have your abortion
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
