I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Randomize
