I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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