Tell her she can't have a vagina
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
