I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
