He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
