I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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