Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
