I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
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