I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I need a burrito and a hug.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
