You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
