That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
