I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
