Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
