First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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