The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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