Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
