this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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