Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
