I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Farmville is her only friend.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
