Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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