so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
