Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
