All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
