ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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