spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
