Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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