i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
