I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I can't put those talents on a resume
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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