I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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