He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
