i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
