One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
