My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
