Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
