Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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