She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
