Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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