I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
