I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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