Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
