I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
